So, a few years ago, four years ago, was when I finally 'woke up'.
In some ways, when I was born, or became an adult ... took responsibility.
It feels now looking back to my whole adult life before, that I'd been living in the dark.
I was in quite a dark place emotionally too - in a really awful bullying job, but then something happened in that job that made me suddenly realise I didn't have to do it. I DID have a choice.
And that was the beginning.
I realised that in the WHOLE time before then, I had never once realised that it was my choice. And now I mean my life.
I never once decided consciously what I wanted my life to be, who I wanted to be, what I wanted to make it.
I chose from the choices I could see - this holiday or that, this job opportunity or that one, even relationships.
My eyes opened and since then I've been consciously experimenting and exploring and discovering what I CHOOSE and what I WANT and make my life to be.
It started with baby steps. Well, I say that but it's was actually a pretty big step deciding that I didn't want a stressful job, and I wanted something that gave me time to pursue finding out what I DID like to do and want to do.
And as these things tend to, once I knew that's what I was going to choose, I found a job which at that time was a ten minute walk from my house (unheard of in London! We've since moved office but that's ok - at the time it was exactly what I needed).
I started blogging about Thai cooking and sharing some recipes.
Doing something CREATIVE at last. For ME.
And my whole life started to change, to become somehow CLEAR and I started to feel my way into how it felt to realise that I could make things happen if I just CHOSE.
So, it took into my 40's to realise it - that I'd been stuck, not thinking, just letting things happen, drifting really and letting other people - particularly work - dictate my life. And happiness.
It's NEVER too late to start to choose and create the life you want. Consciously choose.
You can be anything you want.