I haven't posted a blog post for over a month.
I feel it, I've been feeling it.
Feeling I don't have anything to say, which feels really weird.
But I also know that this is a habit, that I usually choose to write and share and create whether I FEEL like it or not.
That's been such a big one for me over the last few years - choosing how I WANT to feel rather than how I feel RIGHT NOW, so much that I thought I was in an automatic new habit of doing so.
But seems I have to keep creating that, keep choosing that, keep it in mind, journal, make that choice really a PART of who I am every.single.day - someone who does that.
And I 'never' get sick, but flu de-railed me a bit and then ...
I was better but not quite right. Even before then I was feeling a bit quiet and not sure what I was doing here, what I wanted to say.
That's kind of a different message but still part of the same.
I felt quiet and suddenly unsure.
And then I got ill - only for a week or so - but it exacerbated all those feelings.
Maybe that's exactly what I needed to feel and learn. I believe that's so.
Because I started doing things that don't make me feel good overall - and also stopped doing - all the things that I love, that make me feel good, that keep me feeling YES.
And I realise now, that these aren't habits you just DO automatically - you have to continue to CHOOSE them.
I fell 'out' of habits very fast, and we all know that starting again is harder than continuing ... well, and we all know that it's actually though NOT harder really.
What it's all about is making a decision. After that, easy.
But I haven't been making that decision.
(Why does it feel hard to make that decision?)
I got flu and I got comfortable.
Well, why NOT spend more time with my adored, my family, my friends?
Why NOT take a 'break' (WHAT? from doing what your soul wants you to do?!) ... from writing, sharing, engaging?
Why NOT retreat? And go quiet. And sit on the sofa and read.
Why NOT feel comfortable?
Hang out, watch Netflix, cook for friends, go for coffee, go for wine.
Eat a little more, put on some weight.
It's good, right? It feels good to have this time to just kick back, relax, feel comfortable, sleep more.
ACTUALLY, FOR ME? NO, IT DOESN'T.
It feels a slugging settling.
It feels not choosing me, my dreams, my life.
It feels like hiding, switching off - and not in a good 'retreat and rejuvenate' way.
It feels like a slowness.
It feels like I lost the power to choose.
I feel like I'm not actually CHOOSING this.
When I choose HOW I want to feel and be and what feels great ... and this isn't it.
So ... back to the ONLY hard part of ANYTHING you choose and desire.
Making a commitment and a decision. That YES you choose this.
It's been interesting in a way, watching somehow myself from the outside how easy it's been for me to slip into 'comfortable'.
And how I feel (SO MUCH) that this is not good for me, not right for me, not who I am or want to be.
Not who I choose to be.
I want to feel lit up, inspired, energised, creative, full of ideas.
I suspect I haven't posted because I've created this comfort that blankets me from the ideas.
No more lolling, watching something that doesn't add to my life. Not right now, anyway.
No more allowing the creep .... of slowness, dullness, weight gain, lack of ideas.
I choose to go for it again ... open up to it, no more hiding and creeping around.
No more stillness.
The stillness that comes from hiding and not moving - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
That results in physical, mental, emotional, spiritual weight gain and comfort blankets and a layer of insulation from ... what?
NOT from the world after all.
I choose to be again, move again, create again, be the ME I want to be.
No more 'comfortable'.
Dulled, slow, unsure.
Step back out into the light ... that spotlight you sometimes don't know is even on but yet follows you to shine on you.
I choose to shine again. DECIDE. Shed the comfort blanket.
Stretch and rise and BE.
I've felt it, feel it, don't want it. And now I DECIDE.
You can ALWAYS make another choice, another decision.