you can always start again

Rip it up and start again

Well, hey again, inner jukebox ... that ALWAYS gives me in songs and tunes what I'm thinking.

Rip it up and start again.

I HAVE been thinking about this too.  Been feeling stagnant, wondering why.

I'm doing what I love, I'm writing and cooking and have my supperclub ... and my goals and plans and even BIG dreams... 

BUT ... 

Why am I feeling stagnant and slow?

Why am I choosing to spend time reading, watching Netflix, going to bed earlier, sleeping more?

Is this good?

I tell myself it's good.

I tell myself that I'm doing what I love and now I get to also sleep more, read more, be a bit slower.

I feel stagnant and a little lost to be honest.

I don't know why everything that used to excite me - I still love - but I'm not excited.

I'm not full of adrenaline and ideas, wanting - no, not able to NOT stay up, write it NOW, do it NOW ... 

I tell myself that's good.

I was always reckless, I'd destroy things to make myself go back to the start.

I'm comfortable with nothing, with crisis, with emergency.

I tell myself I'm just adapting to how it feels when it's good.

I sleep more, I'm slower, I'm eating more, I'm writing less.

I love reading, sleeping, cooking, journaling - I feel very ... moderate. Grounded. Content.

I tell myself that's good.

And then I get honest with myself - maybe yesterday, the day before, maybe today, but it's been brewing.


It's not me to be moderate, considered, in 'balance'. To work out the hours I 'need' to sleep, but yet completely distance myself from seeing that I'm not writing.

How much do I 'need' to write? To create? To BE ME.

Content? Or stagnant?

I only 'found' me a few years ago, and now I'm shutting myself in this box? 

I don't want to sleep and read and dream and doze. 

Well, sometimes maybe.

I want to be alive with everything that is springing out of me and that I cannot NOT obey.

Yep, it's tiring and yes ... THIS ... you can't just keep doing what you do.

Yes, I 'found' myself and my voice.

But what next? What next?

Without new and more and pushing and pulling and fighting and flowing and BEING ... 

What, I'm going to do THESE 'new' things forever? Now I've 'found' me and them, that's what I do, that's it?

Oh, no, it doesn't get to be comfortable like that.

Because comfortable is feeling stagnant and dull and ... where have the urgent ideas gone, the excitement gone?

Because I haven't been open to the next idea, the next thing, to KEEP ON DOING THIS.

It's not a one-off. You don't get to stop there.

Well, you can do, but isn't that feeling like it all was before we did this thing, this thing of being true and open and GOING WITH IT.

So, I'm here again.

Getting fatter, sleeping too much, all too comfortable.

Time to shake it off, shake it out and be open to the ideas floating ...

Reach up, as if to a leaf falling from a tree, or a star from the sky, GRAB IT.

So many ideas, things ... I don't have to stay the same, no matter how 'good' that currently it.

I need new, I need to keep doing it.

I'm actually smiling the hugest smile as I type this.

And start again.

Rip it up and start again.