You don't know how to love and you have nothing to give.
I will wait.
I will wait and show you the most beauty and I will watch - and you show the most ugly.
I will show you everything.
I will wait until you break.
I have all the time in the world.
Until you realise you can't break because there is nothing to break.
You are nothing, you give nothing.
I will wait and when you give and when you break, you will break here, into me, and I will hold you.
I won't rescue you.
I am everything. I see everything.
There is beauty in the ugly and strength in the weak and so much you didn't ever know about yourself.
You have to break, because you are holding it all in.
Pretending. You don't know who you are and really, you are nothing.
You haven't made yourself.
Here is where I show you everything and if you are the person I know you are, here you will break and make..
You will feel the mayhem caress you, the chaos calm you.
The noise and the heat and the smells start you alive.
And the beauty and calm will enrage you - and you won't know how to cope with it.
You're going to be broken open and only you - and I - know that right here that is ok.
I won't change for you - but I am here to absorb it all - and you can do this.
Right here you can be broken open - you can be wrong - you can be ugly - you can let it out.
You can't not let it out.
This isn’t new, it's not going to come out like pretty tears.
It's going to come out like death, destruction, anger, rage, remorse, revenge.
And love.
And I will still be here.
My tides going out, the stars above, that beauty, the truth.
You don't even know what's true, what's you, what's not true.
But here ... that doesn't matter.
That's exactly what you have to, want to, learn.
To become you.
You're selfish and scared.
That's fine.
I'll hold up the mirror for you.
Sometimes where you see beauty, I show you pain.
Sometimes you can't comprehend and yet I show you ease.
Here's phosphorescence - and you start to live in that moment in your body and just in that moment, nowhere else.
You're self obsessed and scared.
I know.
The sun rises at 7am and sets at 7pm and there is an order in the world.
There is complexity and hardship and this is not a comfortable place.
I will challenge you. I will break you.
You never thought you could.
You thought it was going to be picture postcard - and wondered why it wasn't an easy beauty.
It was so intense it felt strangely bland and it was all too hot, too noisy, too mad, too manic, too too too too too everything.
You wanted to cry, but you didn't.
You wanted to love me, but you didn't.
You steeled yourself because it was hurting you and you didn't understand why.
You resisted me.
You fought against. You tried to create order.
You tried to own.
You tried to make it about you.
And then you cried and you saw that you had no power.
That you didn't know where you were or who you are.
And so you tried out experiences, tried on extremes - you wanted to feel anything other than that which I was making you feel.
Which was YOU.
Some people don't get it. Some don't want to.
I'm proud of you.
You broke, you saw, you opened - and we became one.
I healed you as I broke you.
You became strong when you fell.
I will never change. I am the constant.
Here is not easy.
It is real.
And true.
And sometimes you didn't know what was true, what was me, what was you.
You started choosing and creating truth.
You made the phosphorescence.
And the squid boats on the horizon.
The jungle looking back impassive as you stand in the water.
You made the stars.
You made the sea.
You turned yourself inside out and back to front and confronted you to be home here with me.
We became as one. At one.
I am the land, the sea, the jungle, the people.
The love, the struggle, the hardship, the faith.
The truth, the power, the infinite goodness, the infinite strength and the infinite struggle.
We became one when you stopped resisting me, fighting against me, came back home.
Back home for the first time.
The lights, noise, heat, smells, food, traffic, people, mayhem and sheer wonder of the cities.
The blackness of the sea after a storm and the ravaged sand, and the blue skies and the grey, the angry seas and the still.
I hurt and cried and did things I wish I hadn't and I didn't do things I wish I had.
This is where I learned love and fear and strength and everything.
It is always coming home.
The untamed wilds of my heart came home.
The unnamed restlessness inside me stilled.
I am free.
A Whitstable weekend
So, a weekend away with my love ...
One in which I also fell in love. With Whitstable.
Our Airbnb was perfect - exactly as described and absolutely ideal.
Right by the harbour.
A little bit quirky, eclectic, perfect.
Oh, and seafood! I love fresh seafood.
Love being by the sea, wandering around the harbour and exploring.
The weather was such an unexpected bonus, but I know I'd love it just as much in the winter too, wrapping up against the sea winds and ending a walk in a cosy pub.
I love being outdoors, connecting with the seasons.
I love being able to walk to get everything we need - and here in just a few streets are supermarkets, farmers' markets, places to eat and drink, interesting individual and independent shops.
We didn't even cook!
I know - me not cooking?!
Nope, we ate out every meal which included a good Saturday night curry and a Sunday brunch of oysters at the harbour.
And within a short drive so much to explore (next time) ... Canterbury, Margate, more of the coast.
We did stumble across Botany Bay - idyllic in this sunshine, to lie on the beach and watch the blue, blue sky, the happy dogs playing around, the little white cliffs.
I wondered yet again, even as we drove away, why I haven't come here before!
I now know because the time for us (me and Whitstable) to meet was right NOW.
Utterly perfect.
I'm already planning the next trip. And the next after that.
One of them is going to be a rendezvous just me and Whitstable - at only an hour and 15 on the train from London right into the town, it's going to be a perfect little writing retreat ...
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Paris je t'aime ... 2 nights in Paris
I went with my niece .... just for two nights.
To get some Paris. I needed Paris, she needed Paris.
I think a little piece of all our hearts remains in Paris - however mad it sounds, even if we've never been .. you know it when you get there, there's always a little sense of coming home.
We wanted Paris and we wanted Montmartre and the little apartment was perfect, on the top (fourth) floor, on the Rue Muller which leads to the steps which lead to the Sacré-Cœur Basilica.
The Sacré-Cœur. I cry every time I light a candle there and feel the overwhelming sense of history turning. Those candles that never go out, that each light another, as lives light other lives. I think of history, of people gone before, of my place in the world, my place right here in this place in the world.
There's no getting away from the fact that we live in times that are tense too - the day we arrived there had been another terror attack on soldiers in Paris.
It makes you feel the hand of history even more, I think, and the emotions of the fragility of life and the endurance too.
The Sacré-Cœur is breathtaking and overwhelming and also brings such a sense of peace.
There is a service taking place and the nuns sing and we take seats and stay to breathe it all in, take it all in, take these moments.
We go back the next day too, to take it all again and carry that essence with us, before we leave.
In the mornings, I stick my head out the little skylight window above the bed in the mezzanine bedroom where you can't stand up straight and see the Sacré-Cœur again.
And we go to the 'Amelie' cafe, Cafe des Deux Moulins and, bien sur, had the crème brûlée (after my niece has camembert with honey and thyme, and I have steak tartare), and we both have red wine.
We stay up talking over bread and wine and cheese from the very good supermarket just five minutes walk away.
We go out for fresh bread and croissants first thing and to sit with a coffee in the sunshine, before returning for breakfast chez nous.
Later when it rains we choose one of the many gorgeous-looking bistros - Le Sancerre - on the Rue des Abbesses and journal and write companionably together over French onion soup (her) and oysters with a glass of Sancerre (me).
When the sun is out we browse and walk and discover ... from the huge fabric shop Le Marche St Pierre to peeping into the Museum of Montmartre and the Renoir Gardens to choosing macarons in the most beautiful little shop.
We walk and walk and walk - and up and down so many flights of steps!
Usually the app on my phone shows 3-4 flights of steps climbed every day, sometimes up to 8 or 9 ... in Montmartre it was 48 flights one day and 37 the next!
We walk to my favourite restaurant for dinner - Bouillon Chartier - after queuing as always to get in, we love the bustle and noise and people-watching.
And the escargots, bread, steak haché and frites ... and all at such incredible value.
One last evening walk for a last cocktail sitting outside as it grows dark and one last walk down the iconic steps back to the apartment.
We don't want to leave ... but at just a 15 minute walk to the Gare du Nord and the simplest journey on the Eurostar back to St Pancras, agree not to leave it so long before returning.
After all, a little piece of my heart lives here.
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24 hours in a shepherd's hut / late summer glamping
So easy to get to, off the M40 near Banbury, and then a few miles drive and here we are, in the middle of the beautiful Oxfordshire countryside ... to Chipping Warden and to Blackgrounds Farm Shepherd Hut Holiday for a quick 24-hour-getaway and to make the most of these last - and unexpectedly hot (proper hot! 31 degrees hot!) - days of summer.
Stopped for a Bloody Mary and some lunch at the very friendly pub, The Griffin, in the village, and then on to the farm. A proper, working farm, and as they train racehorses there are also the most beautiful horses in the fields.
Pauline, the owner, has been really friendly and helpful (and patiently answered my billion questions), and in person lives up to that too. It's all just lovely.
There are five huts, two right on the river and three further back in the fields, each totally private.
I love 'Orchard Hut' ... yes, it's in its own orchard. Apples fall off the trees constantly, sometimes making me jump and once landing on my head.
The hut itself is cosy and so cute - like playing house. Everything you could need - and a wood burner for when it does get cold. The Shepherd's Huts are available all year round and I'll definitely be back to experience it in super-cosy wintertime.
There's a fridge, table, a George Foreman grill (presumably for bad weather days) and even towels are provided. The bed is supremely comfortable, and the view ...fields down to the river with horses just outside the door ... stunning. There are also fairy lights and candles to light - so pretty when dusk comes.
There is a picnic table, a gas barbecue outside, an incredible big fire pit, a stack of logs snug and dry under the hut. A huge hammock.
And an outdoor 'African-style' bathroom - with a HOT shower too. Gorgeous.
It was hot enough to brave swimming in the river. It started raining in the night and that was the last properly hot day of the year, so such perfect timing. The river swim was very cold but very beautiful; well worth it.
Cooked steak and kebabs. Made my 'signature' tomato and onion salad and a green salad too. Tore bits off the baguette to eat. Drank wine.
Kept the fire going 'til the small hours before closing those stable doors on the hut and having the best sleep in the incredibly comfortable bed.
It was magical.
In the morning it was raining and it felt like 'real life' had returned, but for 24 hours this was a total escape from all reality, living outdoors, yet with all comforts.
I can't wait for my next visit.
Just two things to note:
1. there's no shop in the village although there is one a couple of miles away in the next - so do bring all your provisions.
2. the only thing I'd do differently on my next visit is to bring our bucket barbecue or to use a disposable one - there was one there - as a gas barbecue to me is just like cooking indoors - none of the outdoor cooking barbecue flavours. But that's a personal preference only and did have a great dinner using the outdoor gas barbie!
5 good things to do in London (and when visitors visit - where do YOU take them?)
My sisters came to stay this weekend - just the three of us - and, to be honest, most of the time we just laughed.
We could probably have amused ourselves without even going outdoors ... but why stay in, ha?!
Friday night, we stayed in yes, and chatted, and ate a big home-made (diet) chicken jalfrezi curry.
Oh and played cards.
We love playing cards in my family: Canasta, 2s and 3s, Beat your Neighbour, German Whist, Knockout Whist, Chase The Queen ... how about you?
But Saturday - we did everything! (And walked 20k steps whilst we did it).
When I go to new places I actually really enjoy finding out what's good about that local area - not just the big city attractions - and so we stayed local this weekend.
So here's five good things to do in (West) London ...
Ok, it sounds a bit macabre, but London's big cemeteries are famous - famous as some of their inhabitants.
There are the 'Magnificent Seven' of London cemeteries including Highgate (Karl Marx), Brompton Cross and Kensal Green with Brunel and 700 other notable figures.
So, to the cemetery .... unexpectedly, from the hectic Harrow Road, you go through the huge gates into Kensal Green cemetery and .... suddenly, peace. 72 unexpected acres of peace. And lots and lots and lots of tombs. Utterly fascinating wandering, looking, finding people, wondering at lives long gone ...
A sense of history and belonging and wonder at lives passed and memories still here.
Oases of calm and reflection, London's cemeteries are well worth a visit.
2. Portobello/Golborne markets
We walked back down Ladbroke Grove, took a left at Bonchurch Road and right onto the very top end of Portobello.
Time to stop for a coffee and (gluten-free - both my sisters are) delicious salted caramel cake at Pearl & Groove in the sunshine.
(Oh, the sunshine - we weighed up all day if it were hot enough to go to the Serpentine in Hyde Park for outdoor swimming - but the weather was so changeable!)
Refreshed, we turned left onto Golborne Road with its patisseries and antique / junk (your choice!) shops and outdoor market bits and pieces ... and after loving some expensive artwork, we also stumbled upon a pretty rose-print plate that I didn't end up buying (could actually find the stall-holder!) and a 1930's/40's oval mirror that my sister fell in love with and bought for £12.
Oh and we stopped at Garcia supermarket on Portobello for some Spanish goodies.
(I was hoping to also make it to my fave Thai supermarket ... but we ran out of time this time).
3. Street food
Acklam Market - off Portobello. Food stalls and live music Saturdays and Sundays.
Hang out all day!
Tempted by the Vietnamese banh mi but in the end we shared a large portion of paella in the end (and it was more than enough for three). Don't just stay the Notting Hill end of Portobello - do come down to see Acklam Road and on to Golborne.
I didn't take a photo - we devoured it too fast!
4. The Serpentine Lido
And ... we did it.
Yep, we went to the Serpentine Lido in Hyde Park ... there's a cafe/bar next door but once you go into the changing rooms for the Lido (around the walls are old photos of people enjoying the Lido in long, long ago times) you are pretty much unseen.
Yes, it's cold when you get in (bracing, we like to say in the UK). Yes, you share the water with ducks and swans. And no, you can't see to the bottom of the murky water.
But is it magical? YES.
Outdoor swimming and this feeling of being part of history. You lie back and look towards the bridge and recall the photos in the changing rooms and feel part of history - in this spot so many have swum and will swim and right now it's you. Wonderful.
5. Authentic best tapas in London (in my opinion)
One of my favourite restaurants is Galicia on Portobello Road. Local neighbourhood stalwart, family run, and always busy - and always great food. Honestly, you could be in Spain. Great food and drink and service. I've been coming for over 20 years - and many more to come.
Oh, and I ALWAYS break the diet when here to have bread to scoop up all the delicious sauces. We had padron peppers, garlic chicken, incredible garlic prawns, mixed salad, anchovies, patatas bravas ... and more I can't remember. Yes, and Rioja).
Oh, two more top tips for my don't-miss London attractions?
1. Dennis Severs' House.
The BEST. Just visit. Please. You can't imagine how good. All the info HERE.
2. The Tiniest Thai
My monthly supperclub seats just four guests, right here at The Tiniest Thai Restaurant in London. Message me for details if you're interested in coming to one!
And ... I'd love to hear YOUR local favourites ... where would you take your weekend visitors?
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A weekend camping in Oxfordshire
The weather's been a bit iffy so far this summer, a bit changeable, well ... just a bit 'British summer' really, but the forecast for this weekend was sunshine, so a spur-of-the-moment decision was made, Friday quickly booked off work, and a weekend camping planned.
it did mean several hours Thursday evening spent searching campsites within 90 minutes of so of London ... but in turn that means I now have a new shortlist of great-looking campsites to visit.
The 'within 90 minutes' is a new rule (to add to: big, lots of space and no crowding; predominantly campsite as opposed to caravan park / motorhomes; campfires allowed. And possibly it's a new rule only for this trip - but when the weather's beautiful and you end up stuck for 4-5 hours each way in the car for one weekend, it doesn't always make sense.
Last year's camping trip to North Devon, was absolutely stunning, but ... it felt a really long way to go for one full day there and, as it poured down, packing up in the teeming rain and then a long drive wasn't the most fun.
It was still well worth doing and I'd love to go back - read more here - but this trip was all about ease.
So this year, we set off on Friday for Britchcombe Farm camping, just the other side of Oxford and set in the most stunning English countryside close to the beautiful Chalk Downs and historic Ridgeway path, with the famous White Horse Hill just above the farm.
There are five - I think - different fields available for camping and just so much space.
That's what I really love about camping, being outdoors all the time of course and also having a sense of space, just gazing at the sky or the trees, lying on a rug, watching the clouds pass by.
Other facilities at Britchcombe Farm - there's a tea shop open weekends, a warm welcome, free range eggs and local honey to buy in the on-site shop (which I didn't get to visit this time).
There are spotless portaloos in each field and a water tap, with toilets, showers and washing up facilities at the main farm entrance.
The only thing I think could have been improved on was the showers - I was in one that was freezing cold but then realised there were two that relied on the tank and three that were electric and therefore hot. Once I moved round and tried one of the electric ones it was fine, I just do love a good hot shower and think there could have been more.But that's the only (tiny) thing I could even fault at all.
There's also fridges and freezers to cool ice packs and store food.
I only wish I had more photos of the utterly gorgeous countryside - rolling hills and fields of pretty cream-coloured cows and some noisy sheep - but my phone died the first day and the portable chargers didn't really work, so I had an enforced 'digital detox' too, which was actually rather lovely not to even have the choice!
Gorgeous woods and hedgerows and some sort of magnificent hawk / falcon / bird of prey - just to lie back on your rug and watch him glide on the airways and hover overhead was amazing to see.
There isn't a supermarket all that local (that I found) so I'd advise bringing the majority of what you'll need (although we did stock up in the Waitrose in Wantage about 10 miles away through the prettiest ever tree-canopy-covered roads).
There's something so special about sitting outside making dinner, drinking a favourite Bloody Mary, listening to the sound of groups of kids having adventures and seeing the campfires start to be built.
Camping food on this trip was steak on the barbecue with salad and garlic baguette (just decided to try it and it worked better straight on the barbecue than wrapped in foil).
Bacon and eggs for breakfast on the camping stove.
Delicious pork belly slices and fish wrapped in foil with lime juice, chillies, garlic and a little fish sauce (based on this recipe) again all cooked on the barbecue.
So good!
Home again now, everything smells of woodsmoke and my skin feels hot from being out in the sun so much.
Totally re-charged by nature ...
Britchcombe Farm is a brilliant campsite, beautifully natural, within easy reach of London, with the most stunning countryside and extremely good value.
I'm actually planning another quick visit before the end of this summer, it was so easy and so lovely.
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3 days in Cómpeta, Spain
When the plane doors open on the tarmac at Malaga airport, the 37 degree heat pours in.
We trip down the steps and into the airport, basking in the heat, smiling in the sunshine ... and it's already late afternoon.
Pick up the hire car and set off on the very good road along the coast, turning off at Torrox and following the signs to Competa, one of those beautiful pueblos blancos or 'white villages'.
It's so high up in the mountains our ears pop on the way up, and yes - I confess to being a bit terrified by the hairpin bends snaking up, up, up into the mountains ...
But about 20 minutes later, 20 minutes of climbing round and round and higher and higher, we reach Competa.
We last came here 27 years ago, me and my oldest and bestest friend, when her parents took a house for a summer and then for Christmas and New Year the following year, which is when I joined them for a week, having then met my friend Kefi at Uni.
Competa has grown bigger but it's still just as beautiful and there's still something special about it.
It's so hot. The views are incredible.
We park and walk to the square.
It seems smaller than we remember it but that's because the chairs and tables from the square's restaurants cover it and when we were here last for New Year only a small area had outside tables.
At that last visit, we had joined in local custom with fizz at midnight and eating 12 grapes each, one for every peal of midnight, from the church's bell.
The church is in the square too. We sit and look at it and order gin+ tonics (which comes to be our drink of this holiday and are served in the most enormous fishbowl glasses) and a couple of tapas - a slice of tortilla and a tiny dish with three meatballs.
We call Graeme, from the B&B we have booked, and he says he'll walk to the square to meet us as it's difficult to explain which back streets and roads we need to take (although it's only a couple of minutes to walk). When he arrives we learn that he and his wife Jo have only just taken over running the B&B and moved to Competa just a week and a half before!
We drive round and park and Graeme kindly takes our bags on the very steep walk from the car to La Vista. It's a 200-year-old townhouse, lots of stairs and low ceilings and levels of little terraces.
0ur twin room is exactly what we need. it's small, but has two huge windows open on two sides and it's clean and pretty with space to hang our clothes and a nice bathroom with shower. Yep, everything we need.
And up more stairs, right to the top, is the plunge pool, plenty big enough and so very needed in this heat. Lots of places to sit and read - and an honesty bar with beer, wine and soft drinks.
We head out for dinner and eat in the square - more gin + tonics, gambas pil pil, squid, salad, ham, bread ... and back to La Vista for a few drinks on the terrace.
The light is so beautiful as we look down the mountain to the sea, and then there's the most spectacular sunset.
And that was basically it for three days.
Sunbathing, reading, pool, chatting, lots of G+Ts, lots of gambas pil pil, lots of squid ('squidlington' it became known ha!).
Great breakfasts at La Vista with bread (from the bakery literally opposite), ham and chorizo and salami and cheese. Yogurts, melon, tomato, And good coffee.
I love this little town.
Love the cobbled streets, the narrow passageways, the steep walkways, love it. The beautiful tiles around the doorways. The sun on the white houses.
At the market on Saturday morning, there's incredible produce with enormous spring onions and peppers and tomatoes. We buy pil pil spice mix and some bowls.
We found the disco that we'd been to (so often) during our last visit - but despite waiting 'til 11pm on the Saturday night, it wasn't open that day. Maybe for the best ...
One lunchtime in the square we found ourselves in the middle of the most beautiful wedding.
We kept eating the same food as it was so delicious!
The gambas pil pil at one of the restaurants in the square was absolutely perfect, with cloves and cloves of sweet garlic in the oil that we mushed onto the fresh bread (and ate them all). The squid was perfectly charred, sometimes served with rice and sometimes with chips.
They brought mini choc-ices instead of chocolates with the bill (an idea I'm stealing for The Tiniest Thai).
The sun shone, the views were amazing, the food was great, and our hosts at La Vista couldn't have been friendlier or more helpful.
If we'd had longer we'd have made a trip down the mountain for a day at the beach, but as it was we were having such a nice, relaxing time that we stayed in Competa until it was time to brave (slowly) the mountain road and head back to Malaga to come home.
It's easy to get to, very beautiful and makes a perfect short break from the UK. La Vista is, I think, the only B&B in the little town itself and I'll definitely be back. It's also exceptionally good value.
Can't recommend highly enough.
I also just can't recommend highly enough going away for a short break with an old friend.
We laughed and talked and came up with so many new ideas. We read and ate and slept and talked and laughed more.
So good for you!
In just three days I put on a little weight (!), got a tan, totally relaxed and had the best time chatting non-stop with a dear friend. And drank quite a few G+T's.
After a very delayed flight, a long journey home arriving back at 4am, a little sleep and back to work ... I get home and cannot resist eating more holiday food.
I made a gambas (prawn) pil pil with the spice mix, a favourite tomato + onion salad and cooked the chorizo I'd bought in Spain with red wine. All with fresh bread and a bottle of Rioja.
