You don't know how to love and you have nothing to give.
I will wait.
I will wait and show you the most beauty and I will watch - and you show the most ugly.
I will show you everything.
I will wait until you break.
I have all the time in the world.
Until you realise you can't break because there is nothing to break.
You are nothing, you give nothing.
I will wait and when you give and when you break, you will break here, into me, and I will hold you.
I won't rescue you.
I am everything. I see everything.
There is beauty in the ugly and strength in the weak and so much you didn't ever know about yourself.
You have to break, because you are holding it all in.
Pretending. You don't know who you are and really, you are nothing.
You haven't made yourself.
Here is where I show you everything and if you are the person I know you are, here you will break and make..
You will feel the mayhem caress you, the chaos calm you.
The noise and the heat and the smells start you alive.
And the beauty and calm will enrage you - and you won't know how to cope with it.
You're going to be broken open and only you - and I - know that right here that is ok.
I won't change for you - but I am here to absorb it all - and you can do this.
Right here you can be broken open - you can be wrong - you can be ugly - you can let it out.
You can't not let it out.
This isn’t new, it's not going to come out like pretty tears.
It's going to come out like death, destruction, anger, rage, remorse, revenge.
And love.
And I will still be here.
My tides going out, the stars above, that beauty, the truth.
You don't even know what's true, what's you, what's not true.
But here ... that doesn't matter.
That's exactly what you have to, want to, learn.
To become you.
You're selfish and scared.
That's fine.
I'll hold up the mirror for you.
Sometimes where you see beauty, I show you pain.
Sometimes you can't comprehend and yet I show you ease.
Here's phosphorescence - and you start to live in that moment in your body and just in that moment, nowhere else.
You're self obsessed and scared.
I know.
The sun rises at 7am and sets at 7pm and there is an order in the world.
There is complexity and hardship and this is not a comfortable place.
I will challenge you. I will break you.
You never thought you could.
You thought it was going to be picture postcard - and wondered why it wasn't an easy beauty.
It was so intense it felt strangely bland and it was all too hot, too noisy, too mad, too manic, too too too too too everything.
You wanted to cry, but you didn't.
You wanted to love me, but you didn't.
You steeled yourself because it was hurting you and you didn't understand why.
You resisted me.
You fought against. You tried to create order.
You tried to own.
You tried to make it about you.
And then you cried and you saw that you had no power.
That you didn't know where you were or who you are.
And so you tried out experiences, tried on extremes - you wanted to feel anything other than that which I was making you feel.
Which was YOU.
Some people don't get it. Some don't want to.
I'm proud of you.
You broke, you saw, you opened - and we became one.
I healed you as I broke you.
You became strong when you fell.
I will never change. I am the constant.
Here is not easy.
It is real.
And true.
And sometimes you didn't know what was true, what was me, what was you.
You started choosing and creating truth.
You made the phosphorescence.
And the squid boats on the horizon.
The jungle looking back impassive as you stand in the water.
You made the stars.
You made the sea.
You turned yourself inside out and back to front and confronted you to be home here with me.
We became as one. At one.
I am the land, the sea, the jungle, the people.
The love, the struggle, the hardship, the faith.
The truth, the power, the infinite goodness, the infinite strength and the infinite struggle.
We became one when you stopped resisting me, fighting against me, came back home.
Back home for the first time.
The lights, noise, heat, smells, food, traffic, people, mayhem and sheer wonder of the cities.
The blackness of the sea after a storm and the ravaged sand, and the blue skies and the grey, the angry seas and the still.
I hurt and cried and did things I wish I hadn't and I didn't do things I wish I had.
This is where I learned love and fear and strength and everything.
It is always coming home.
The untamed wilds of my heart came home.
The unnamed restlessness inside me stilled.
I am free.
4 years since starting this blog ... starting creating my life ...
Four years ago last Saturday was the day I started my blog.
It looked terrible (and I knew it, but I'd never blogged before, never tried to do this, and I couldn't make it look how I wanted. So I let that go).
It was called Racey's Thai Cooking (Racey's a family nickname).
And this was a year and a bit on! I kept adding content, even though I was stuck on how to make it look good.
It was the first time I'd written something that wasn't an email or report or a presentation in YEARS (and years and years).
And it was the start of a total passion - sharing recipes, food, writing, that has lead to so many other things - including creating The Tiniest Thai supperclub and the Thai Diet ... and lead to meeting so many new friends.
It was terrifying pressing publish that first time.
My writing didn't flow.
I honestly worried people would laugh at me.
I thought maybe I should have posted a few recipes/posts/blogs before announcing I was doing this - not 'launch' it with just that one post.
But what felt right to me then - and has done ever since - is to SAY you're doing something .... and then you kinda have to DO IT.
I'm better with a deadline and/or some accountability!
It was also a time in my life where I'd made a huge decision to focus on creating space to find what I loved doing.
At the same time, it was in many ways one of the loneliest times in my life - where I realised that it was down to ME and only me - to create what I wanted, to create my life.
And. THANK YOU.
Thank you to everyone for not only not laughing (why do we even have those stupid thoughts?) but for supporting and encouraging and even - a million more THANK YOUs - trying my recipes and commenting and sharing - and coming to my supperclub.
To celebrate four years, I'm going to be doing a couple of celebration supperclub/parties - on me of course - so comment or message me if you'd like to come (and if you've been before I'll be messaging you to invite you. Soon as I've worked out what dates I can actually do).
It's been a truly transformational four years.
When I started blogging it was about something much bigger than blogging.
It was starting again - choosing to do something just because I wanted to and wanted to do something creative.
Something that was in me but hadn't had any outlet at all.
And it has been - and IS - something much bigger than that for me.
It's truly been life changing to see what happens when you choose what you really want to do and make time and space for that - and then see all the opportunities and connections and things you couldn't even see or think would happen... come from that.
Just start. Totally imperfect and scared.
Whatever it is that's calling you, nagging inside you.
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If you don't choose your habits, they'll choose you
If you don't consciously decide what you want, consciously create your life?
Guess what?
Yep. Life happens anyway.
And like many things, maybe it's easier to start small, rather than big, like, well, LIFE.
Smaller things get you into the HABIT of creating what you want and achieving them and building that practice.
Small things add up to become big things (I know you know this, I'm not being patronising, just thinking out loud).
And talking of habits, habits are a great place to start.
If you don't consciously choose your habits ... guess what?
Your habits will choose - and define, BECOME you. Part of you.
What you do and what you choose is who you are - and you can change that at any time.
Without consciously choosing habits you might find habits find you ...
The habit of watching TV mindlessly.
The habit of endlessly scrolling Facebook, looking for something, anything interesting and thought-provoking.
Oh and similarly, the habit of feeding yourself food that doesn't have the nourishment, the nutrition, your body needs and craves, so again you're left hungry, endlessly wanting more.
But what more?
Housework habits, 'duty' habits, oh-I-have-to-do-the-ironing habits ... then flop on the sofa for some TV.
THESE habits are often masking that you haven't CHOSEN your true 'YOU' habits.
Well, not so for everyone I guess.
I suppose some people genuinely choose to do these things (and for most people YES sometimes) ... and that's great ... but when it's not a choice, it's a mindless HABIT?
You know you can choose another habit?
Starting with perhaps how do you WANT to feel?
NOT how do you currently feel.
Giving in to the voice of the how you NOW feel will NEVER move you into being how you WANT to feel, to be.
You have to consciously choose it.
How you want to feel and who you want to be.
The person who gets home after a long day (ok, many long days, this isn't a one-off) and eats a takeaway full of goodness-knows-what whilst slumped in terrible posture watching - well, do you even know what? - on TV.
YES, sometimes.
But also, YES you're exhausted and stressed and tired ... but you CAN also choose other habits.
It doesn't have to be hard.
Some things (including plenty of recipes on my site) are easier and quicker to cook fresh than to heat up or order in.
And it's all about TRUE self-care and looking after you.
That means choosing a shower, choosing a great book, choosing a quick stretch or yoga online practice to keep it easy (I do).
(I'm not saying you instantly turn into someone who wants to go to the gym at 9pm, but hey you MIGHT choose that, now you think about what you want to choose).
It might mean writing, journaling, a Skype with a friend, learning something new.
Habits become non-negotiables in your life (like cleaning your teeth).
Mine aren't (yet) always so, but I really, really now feel it and miss it when I don't for whatever reason DAILY:
- journal in the morning
- make good food choices that nourish me (and taste great of course)
- move my body in some way (usually Yoga With Adriene
- personally I also love to cook so a day without cooking something makes me feel 'off'
Ha! Just caught myself I thinking I need to think of more than these three / four ... but WHY?
I'm all about making it easy and you know it's actually not always that easy to do those three or four key things.
Isn't that funny, how our human brains almost want to make things HARDER?!
These are my chosen habits - that make me feel great, give me a foundation for my day - when I do them I feel stronger, clearer, more able to get everything else done.
I'm going to choose to add in a short 10-minute meditation practice soon but for now making my journaling and yoga practice daily - allowing it to become daily - allowing that time for me, to say that time for me daily is precious, is a PRIORITY ...
I'm still learning to make that my reality.
What are - or will be - your chosen habits?
The ones that make you YOU, the you you choose to be?
It's not all or nothing - you can do SOMETHING!
It's not all or nothing ...
I know, I know, right? I talk about this all the time in my diet group ... and yet ...
Sometimes you find yourself with words and thoughts that are still coming from that way of thinking.
So in Paris, last week, we were staying in an apartment on the top floor, four floors up.
And we were at the foot of the Sacre Coeur, climbing up and down those iconic steps with those lamposts many, many times a day.
Here's the screenshot of my steps/flights climbed app on my phone - yes, my usual number of flights climbed daily is around 3 or 4, going up to 10 on occasion.
In Paris, I did 48 and then 37.
Not deliberately - because that's just how it was.
And I was talking to my travel companion, my beautiful and clever niece, about how maybe when I got back I should try going up the 8 flights of stairs to my office ... (and UGH, I've tried it a couple of times and UGH).
She suggested I walk up four flights then get the lift the next floor ... and build it up.
I don't know why I haven't ever considered this before - but I hadn't.
I started doing it when I got back and it's perfect ....
What can you do to make things easier? Start them slower? Make it more sustainable, something to build on?
This was a great lesson for me ... and I'm now thinking where else I can apply it ...
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How do you WANT to feel? (Not what DO you feel like?)
It takes just a split second.
One decision.
As my favourite poem says:
'In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse'.
The question isn't 'what do you feel like doing right now'?'.
Well, not usually, the question is, 'what do you want to feel like? what is the outcome, the result you want?'
I fell out of my daily yoga habit that made me feel so great, strong and good.
There was a mini heatwave (but hey 35 degrees in a small Notting Hill flat is too hot for yoga).
So that was a few days ... and I wasn't feeling it.
But I missed the outcome for sure .. but somehow, seemingly not enough to get back in the habit.
Why is that?
That the things that make us feel great, that we KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt are GOOD ... we still resist.
And then I jumped and fell and was shaken up and covered in bruises and couldn't even THINK of a downward dog without wincing.
But that was ten days ago and it's been totally nagging at me that I haven't got back to my daily practice.
The last few days, honestly, I've been pretending that I'll just do a short practice - that 7-minute one - but guess what?
I didn't even do that.
Today ... I got sick of myself and my excuses for not doing what makes me feel great.
And I did it fast!
I decided I wanted the outcome.
I wanted to feel how good I feel after half an hour of yoga.
Mat out. Did it.
And yep, feel great.
It's always about the outcome, the result, the desired feeling.
Never about what you feel like in that moment.
Sometimes the two are the same.
Sometimes they're not.
But it's that easy (and that hard, I know).
Practice, remembering how good it feels to make that decision - makes it easier, makes that choosing-the-outcome-muscle easier to exercise.
What's the outcome you want?
Choose THAT action to take.
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LOVE ... real self-love
In my journaling this morning I was exploring why it can feel so hard just to do the things that make you feel good, that really nourish and nurture you ...
I KNOW I feel better, stronger, calmer, happier when I practice yoga every day but I stopped during that heatwave a couple of weeks ago and despite knowing how good it makes me feel ... I fell out of the habit.
So last night I got my mat out and yes - it was only a 7-minute practice - but the 'hard' part was deciding, and getting the mat out. And deciding at 10.30pm to make time to start again right then - that felt really good.
Same with my 'daily' journaling - I'm not sure how but the last few weeks it's only been maybe half the week.
And I really notice the difference - spending that 15 mins or so with my own thoughts and affirmations, my own 'stuff' - before reacting to other people's and 'stuff' and well, the WORLD, clears my head, sets me up for success - again, how does it sometimes feel so hard to do what we know will feel so good.
More than that, what we NEED really.
Same with food choices, same with so many areas of life.
And as always it's simply about making a decision, a commitment and making real 'self love' a priority.
PS. My fave 'LOVE' tee by Ruth Ridgeway at ruthxo.com
The little dog with big self esteem
You can see by the way he stands that this is a little dog with a lot of confidence.
Sure of himself, happy, secure.
That stance, full of pride and contentment, almost looking like he's surveying his empire.
That tail, upright and sure. He's interested and alert and eager - and he rarely doubts himself.
In fact, he usually believes he can do anything.
In the very best way, he feels he is entitled to good things, for things to go well, to be loved for being him and even to get to sleep in a huge bed (well, sometimes!).
And I think that's partly his character, partly the traits of his breed and partly the way I talk to him.
Every day he hears how great he is, how clever, how funny.
Every day, many, many times a day he hears things like, 'YOUR'RE THE BEST!' and 'I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!'.
So much positive reinforcement, positive messages for the whole 8 years of his life.
And I do think it's got a lot to do with it.
Which every now and then gets me thinking that this is not the way a lot of us speak to ourselves.
Language is so important, and the way we talk to ourselves has such an impact.
Many of us talk to ourselves in a way would NEVER talk to anyone else - we can be harsh and judgemental.
Our inner voices often tell us that we're not great or clever or funny.
We tell ourselves we should do more, could do more, aren't doing enough and what we're doing isn't good enough.
We can be very harsh on ourselves and yes, just sometimes, it might be useful and the push we need.
But often I think we could do with giving ourselves a bit more praise and love.
I think if we told ourselves several times a day, 'YOU'RE THE BEST!', 'YOU'RE SO GOOD AT WHAT YOU DO!', 'I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!' etc etc, it would have a big effect.
No more, 'mm I'm not sure that's good enough'.
A lot more, 'that's fantastic, press publish!' would go a long way.
Even just as we go about our daily lives, an inner voice could be encouraging us, bolstering our confidence and courage and growing our ability to create, share, grow and help.
To be the people we were meant to be, want to be.
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The connection between 'weight' + 'wait'
Wait + weight.
They've definitely got some connection over and above having the same sound.
You know those times you realise you've kind of put your life on hold, waiting to live it when ... when you've lost weight, when you've done something else, when you feel 'ready' or good enough or whatever it is and certainly for me I put on weight during those times of waiting.
When I look back those times were when I was 'waiting' in other areas of my live - so in a relationship that wasn't right or good but that I was kind of frozen in, not seemingly able or willing to make a change, or in a job with a bullying culture that I'd sort of started thinking was normal and ok ... and the weight crept on.
It's also been times where the weight WAS the cause of the wait itself ... me avoiding the weight gain, pretending I was happy, ignoring what was happening.
And actually you can change the WHOLE THING, the whole domino effect in your life ... by changing one thing.
You don't have to really DO anything but DECIDE and then, then it's easy ... but making that decision feels ridiculously hard!
Until you've done it of course and then you look back and think what took me so long, why did I WAIT like that?
I literally had to get to the point where I was SCARED that I wouldn't be able to do anything about my weight and that it was just going to keep going on and on and on, slowly, as it had done for years.
I also hid from it. I love food and cooking and sort of hid behind that as a reason (excuse) why I couldn't, wouldn't, be able to lose weight.
And I lied too - I was eating much more alone than I did when with others - not what I've always imagined 'binge eating' to be, like bags and bags of crisps or sweets or cakes ...
I just ate probably enough for two or three people and would eat - very good - food but to excess.
I knew I was doing it but it felt as thought I couldn't stop - it's kind of difficult to understand now I look back but in some way I was hiding behind it and I suppose keeping myself stuck but keeping in that mindset and in that body.
Sometimes it can be comfortable in a way just keeping on doing what you're doing - even at the same time as you wish you could jump straight to the outcome and result, without taking action or making it happen yourself.
Honestly though that day I just looked at myself and thought NO MORE, it's starts NOW was the hardest day and then also the easiest.
It was GOOD finally feeling that I'd made the decision, no more hiding, no more pretending - to be happy with my weight, in my body, that I wasn't eating as much as I was - just one foot in front of the other and keep going, make the small changes I KNEW would work if I just did them.
For the first time in years I stood on the scales and confronted the fact that I was the heaviest I'd ever been. The weight itself doesn't matter - it's all about how you feel and if I'd GENUINELY felt good and happy at that weight, well that's great .... but I didn't.
I was unhappy in my skin and when I stood on the scales that day I felt real fear - ridiculous though it sounds - because I hadn't looked at the facts for so long and had hidden from the facts and the scales. I weighed myself, and cried a bit, and then DETERMINED that that day was Day 1 of just starting to take responsibility and make changes.
After that, the wait was over, and the difference in how I felt changed pretty much straight away.
The wait was over and the weight started to come off.
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Being your best version of you
This is what it's all about really, isn't it?
When we really get down to it, this is what's really going on.
We have this yearning inside, even if don't recognise what it is.
This feeling that something's not right, that it's 'off'.
When we're not fulfilling our potential it, somehow irks, it niggles away at you ... sometimes (like me, for YEARS) and you kind of know things aren't RIGHT, but then again, well, they're not WRONG are they?
You're going through life like everyone else, going to work, going on holiday, passing the time, but y'know, as time passes (and passes), that urge gets deeper, that feeling that there MUST be something more.
And for us? It's even worse isn't it? We always KNEW there was going to be more, but never knew what it was going to be, waiting for it to happen.
And now, realising that it's not going to happen.
I'll just keep turning up for work, keep doing STUFF to fill the time, not even GOING THERE with what that deep deep down LONGING is trying to say, that's trying to come to the surface.
When we were younger we just KNEW we were destined for more, but we thought destiny would find us.
After what, 20-something years of living a multiple-choice-life ('I'll choose from this, this or this that I can see in front of me) we realise ... hold on ... what do we REALLY want?
We can CHOOSE.
We can choose our lives, our reality and we can then make that happen.
THAT is being the best version of you, the one that allows those feeling to come up, searches them, finds what we really want ... and then we start to go down that path.
For me, it was both big (leaving a job to create the mind-space and time to play with, have fun with, finding what I loved) and small (what I started with - I just started a blog about Thai cooking - but oh goodness that was HUGE for me - the first creative thing I'd done for years, the first thing I was excited about, the first thing I'd done because it was truly because I HAD A MESSAGE and it wanted to come out and I wanted to share).
The best version of me was to give myself - for the first time probably since a child - time to create and share - sharing was important to me.
I look back now and despite having had an on paper great life with great friends and family and relationships ... I was a bit stuck. I was bored, to be honest, bored with myself.
And I didn't really give anything either, this is a two-way thing! I don't think I gave much in hindsight. Creating and sharing helps with GIVING and giving makes you more open and being more open leads to more creativity, more love, more people, more ideas .. just more LIFE.
And then there was the unsaid unhappiness with the weight gain. I put it on I think now because I was stuck in other areas of my life - it's definitely 'chicken and egg' on this one.
So if you don't want (yet) to start digging deep and working on finding your real inner motivations and creativity but you're unhappy with your body, your fitness, your food, your relationships, your weight ... well, I'd say start with tackling one of those ...
When we start confronting, being honest about, tackling, taking control of ANY ONE area of our lives we're not happy with, it starts a ripple effect.
Taking ACTION at one area of becoming YOUR best version of you, that's all you have to.
For me, as I started creating and sharing ... I became even more aware that I was unhappy in my own body.
I had started to believe that when I DECIDE something and choose actions that will help me get to my goals then that's what happens.
DECIDING is the main thing.
BELIEVING it next.
SETTING THE GOAL and then just EYES-ON-THE-HORIZON focused just taking the actions and choices to get there.
You have to choose. But only most of the time - some times you make other choices (of course it's not a straightforward linear process - we're human!).
But once you've made THE BIG choice, you just focus on the goal, the horizon, and go for it.
Little changes, small results = huge happiness at stepping into being the figurehead of your ship.
One area of life moves to another, you see changes and feel excited and empowered and 'why didn't I do this before?' - and you know, that doesn't matter. You're (we're) doing it now.
Life leads us to THIS point and NOW is the only point that matters.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be the best version of you (whatever that looks like to you).
Mine included losing weight and feeling really happy in my skin ... and starting to achieve that lead to wanting to be fitter and stronger.
All of it comes together for my big vision for myself as the very best version of myself - I now KNOW I can have it all (as I define having it all for me).
I think we have a tendency - and I don't really know why - to think we can't have it all.
We can be successful in business ... but not look after our health.
We can have healthy, happy bodies .. but maybe our relationships suffer. Etc etc etc.
NOW ... step into IT ALL.
Set ALL THE GOALS! Decide and choose and go for it.
Choose one at a time - I promise, one will lead to another.
Or choose all at once.
And especially for those of us with a few decades of life experience ...
Well, I think once we choose to hear the calling, listen to that little voice, refuse to accept that the weight gain is inevitable, that it's 'too late' to achieve our big goals or whatever it is ... we know ourselves well enough to just go get it all.
In the way that best works for us.
It can be easy. It can be fun.
And step-by-step, keep going, keep taking the steps, be bold, be brave, become YOUR best version of you.
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Saying YES to your dreams
A week or so ago I wrote this post about how getting to achieve your goals means saying NO a lot of the time.
To things you don't want to do, to stop being a yes-person people-pleaser, but more importantly also to things you DO want to do!
So, you're gonna have to prioritise!
And if you SAY you want to reach that goal, then y'know, you do actually have to CHOOSE to spend the time on actions that will help you reach that goal (rather than socialising, watching TV, family gatherings, sleep, whatever it is).
But .... and this is where I think I might have misrepresented myself in the great urge to try to combat all that, 'but I'm soooo BUSY!', (poor little old me) negativity people say as an excuse (oh I do hear myself do it sometimes too of course).
Fine, don't go for your goals then, but don't WHINGE about it!
Anyway, digressing ... because what I WANT to say is actually that ...I think I misrepresented myself.
It's not a negative to say no.
It's not (usually!) hard to get less sleep, to be here writing and creating at my Macbook and talking with people rather than watching TV.
And why?
Because actually, it's not about - really - saying NO.
It's ALL about saying YES!
And that's what makes it easy (well, usually!).
Saying YES, a great big huge YES to my dreams and my goals.
THAT's what this choice is all about.
And yeah, often it's a hard choice, it's occasionally a lonely choice, but it's 100% MY CHOICE to say YES to making the choices I make that are the ones that will move me towards reaching my goals.
I want to share what I've learned and I want to impact MILLIONS!
I want to make the Tiniest Thai Diet the most successful, globally recognised, way of changing your mindset forever around food there has EVER been.
I want to share my message, and write and speak and connect with people.
So YES, I say NO a lot ... and yes I push myself.
Because I'm really, truly, actually saying YES to my dreams by doing so.
It is about saying NO ... to make space for the huge HELL YES to creating your life.
Reframe time - if you thought my previous post was berating you for not turning down things you want to do - well, I didn't mean it that way.
I meant, and mean, that to make that choice a YES rather than a NO means always keeping the goal in mind.
Keep taking the actions needed to get the results you want.
Sometimes it's about saying 'no' to reach your goals
Some people are going to be reading my posts about Supreme Self Care and thinking ...
'Yeah ok for you, you don't have x y z you have to do',
'HOW does she find time?'
'Well, that's ok for you, you don't have kids to feed and get up for school'.
Well, no, I don't, no.
But I do know that I do have plenty of other responsibilities (as we all do) and I don't have unlimited time.
Or do I?
I believe in the concept of Einstein Time (read The Big Leap - a fave book that changed my life and concept of time).
And I really, really believe in the concept of CHOICE.
That means I prioritise my self care stuff, and my writing, and my doing ALL the things I really care about and am passionate about.
That means I also say NO a lot.
To fun things as well as the learning to say no to things you really don't want to do but (used to) feel obliged to.
It's easy to think that learning to be someone who can say 'no', means saying 'no' to things you don't want to do.
Ha! MUCH more it means saying 'no' to things you DO want to do.
I say no to TV.
I say no to parties.
I say no to meet ups with friends and family.
I say no to that book I want to read.
I say no to sleeping another half an hour.
To going to bed earlier and to getting up later.
Etc, etc, etc.
It means - when I SAY prioritise, I MEAN prioritise.
No, it's not easy.
I never said it was easy. I said it was SUPREME self care to take the best care of me.
It means really thinking about what it takes to put you first - and not JUST your physical, emotional, spiritual .... also your CREATIVITY.
I believe we all NEED to be creative beings, whatever that looks like for you ... and for me, I need time and space to even work that out.
It means prioritising you and what you want to do ... and the results and goals you are going to achieve.
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SUPREME SELF CARE
I was talking with some friends the other night at my Tiniest Thai supperclub about how so many people just don't GET what real self care is all about.
Think it's about lighting a candle and having a bath and talking about how 'spiritual' they are :)
Well, all those things are very NICE, sure, but they're not self care IN THEMSELVES.
I have only recently embarked on a non-negotiable regime of SUPREME self care - and it came about from understanding, really feeling and believing in a way I haven't before, that taking care of myself is what comes FIRST.
In every way.
Physically, emotionally, spiritually.
When I take care of myself FIRST then everything else flows.
SUPREME self care means - for me - STARTING with creating a commitment and a DISCIPLINE, if you like, that then becomes a habit.
And when things are habits they are EASY and natural; it's just what you do.
Everyone's commitments and priorities to themselves will be different but mine include:
DAILY journaling and movement/fitness - usually yoga, and choosing food I love and that's best for me.
A MONTHLY massage.
MONTHLY house cleaner so my environment is as I like it and making space and time for me to do more of what I love and less of what I don't.
Every other month an appointment with my osteopath.
Regular health appointments such as the dentist.
Regular manicures and pedicures whether at home or at the salon and regular hair appointments.
Choosing to drink water, (and good wine!), get the right amount of sleep for me.
Surrounding myself with people who bring me UP, who support and encourage and inspire me - and for whom I do the same.
DAILY time for reflection, meditation and this can be quiet at home or while out walking.
DAILY watch and / or read something inspiring. It doesn't have to be long - just a blog post by a fave blogger, a podcast, a feature in the newspaper, whatever it is.
It all creates a deep foundation of care from which to live, to create, to work, to play, to BE.
What does SUPREME self-care look like for YOU?
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CHOOSING my life ... 4 years on ...
“If you change nothing, nothing will change”
Tony Robbins
And that moment of realisation, that moment where you finally feel it and KNOW that it is YOUR decision to create your life and make it happen ...
It happened to me four years ago this month. 28th April.
I was in a very dark place, looking back, in a job I knew was terrible for me ... and harming me ... but it was really ME harming me allowing it to continue.
And I'd been letting life drift by really my whole life - choosing A over B, like a multiple choice life, NEVER and I mean NEVER really deciding what I wanted and what would make me happy and going after that.
It took until my 40's.
it doesn't matter how long it takes, it matters that one day you DO see, do feel, do know that it's ALL and ALWAYS down to you.
YES, there are pressures and challenges of life, but THE biggest step is deciding.
What I did that day, was finally say enough. I gave in my notice at the awful job - without a job to go to - and suddenly felt my long long long ago ebbed away ME power start returning.
Of COURSE I could find another job perfect for me and my career in three months (it took four weeks).
And this time I made sure it was right for me and also would allow me time, mental capacity ... to start writing, cooking more, launching my own things I'm passionate about, my own side passion projects.
It can be so easy not to even recognise that you're in a dark place and going through the motions, getting through each day, surviving basically.
I was someone who on paper looked like I had a good life - and I did ... but I was trapped and miserable and not growing, not CREATING.
You can always decide and choose.
(You don't have to give your notice in though) :)
But it is your one life and if you've been stuck for a while and this sounds like you ... maybe start thinking what YOU want.
For me ... I wanted not to be scared, ill, bullied, tired, weak.
I wanted to write and create (and be me and be strong).
It didn't LOOK big to anyone else!
To the outside it looked like I left one great job in a great industry and went to another. Oh and started a little blog about Thai cooking.
That little blog about Thai food made me alive again and got my creativity going again. That first day, on my first blog site, pressing 'publish' - no post is scarier than that one.
I was still living in a fear mode really, worrying what people would think or say, not having the incredible community and support I do now.
You CAN start creating your life at ANY time in your life.
The big thing, the only big thing ... is DECIDING.
And that 'little' project?
Could become your real BIG thing, your biggest thing.
What do YOU want to do, create ... be?
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There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to lose weight
It seems to me that the whole self-acceptance thing has gone too far.
It now actually feels that you're WRONG in some way and that you'll be judged for wanting to lose some weight.
You are in charge of you: you don't have to sign up to the 'love yourself at any size' brigade.
You CAN say you'd feel happier in your own skin by losing some weight.
You don't have to dress it up as wanting to be 'healthier', or 'more empowered' - although those are great things to want too.
There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to lose weight.
To wanting to feel happy again in your own skin.
With wanting to get back to your own personal happy weight.
But some days it feels like all I see are messages that you don't have to change yourself to be happy - you ' just have to learn to love yourself the way you are'.
Well, I disagree.
Totally disagree.
If that's for you, then hey go for it.
I genuinely want each and every one of us to feel happy in our own skin.
But for me, I know ... I was NEVER going to feel happy in my skin, overweight, uncomfortable when I bent over to put my shoes on, out of breath ... feeling NOT LIKE ME.
It's all gone too far I think.
The solution is NOT for everyone to 'learn to love yourself' or 'be happy at any weight, you're still the same person'.
Because ... actually for many of us?
We're NOT.
We're not the person we are when we can move easily, walk and run up the stairs freely. When we're feeling good in our skin. When we start enjoying clothes again.
When we feel more OURSELVES, our real selves again.
Yes, I think it's gone too far.
There is NOTHING wrong in saying, declaring ...
'You know what? I'd feel happier if I lost some weight'.
You don't have to couch it in other language, dress it up as something more spiritual or whatever is is.
You ARE allowed to just want to lose some freaking weight and feel happy in your skin.
We were not born overweight and we weren't designed to be overweight.
Do NOT feel that in this current climate of acceptance - which is great of course, acceptance of everyone as they are and as they are happy to be, YES .. but you?
If you're NOT HAPPY being overweight, there's nothing wrong with saying so, declaring your mission to lose the weight - there's nothing to hide.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WANTING TO LOSE WEIGHT WHEN YOU'RE NOT HAPPY THE WEIGHT YOU ARE.
Oops, lots of shouty caps there!
It actually makes me really angry that people are basically being told to change their mindset - to be happy being unhappy in their own skin!
F-that! You can be, do and have whatever you want!
And if you're unhappy in your skin, at your current weight? You know what?
YOU DECIDE ... YOU get to decide to change that.
Set your goals, and commit.
Then choose to take the actions needed to get the results you want.
And keep going.
I'm with you all the way :)
What do you want your life to be?
So, a few years ago, four years ago, was when I finally 'woke up'.
In some ways, when I was born, or became an adult ... took responsibility.
It feels now looking back to my whole adult life before, that I'd been living in the dark.
I was in quite a dark place emotionally too - in a really awful bullying job, but then something happened in that job that made me suddenly realise I didn't have to do it. I DID have a choice.
And that was the beginning.
I realised that in the WHOLE time before then, I had never once realised that it was my choice. And now I mean my life.
I never once decided consciously what I wanted my life to be, who I wanted to be, what I wanted to make it.
I chose from the choices I could see - this holiday or that, this job opportunity or that one, even relationships.
My eyes opened and since then I've been consciously experimenting and exploring and discovering what I CHOOSE and what I WANT and make my life to be.
It started with baby steps. Well, I say that but it's was actually a pretty big step deciding that I didn't want a stressful job, and I wanted something that gave me time to pursue finding out what I DID like to do and want to do.
And as these things tend to, once I knew that's what I was going to choose, I found a job which at that time was a ten minute walk from my house (unheard of in London! We've since moved office but that's ok - at the time it was exactly what I needed).
I started blogging about Thai cooking and sharing some recipes.
Doing something CREATIVE at last. For ME.
And my whole life started to change, to become somehow CLEAR and I started to feel my way into how it felt to realise that I could make things happen if I just CHOSE.
So, it took into my 40's to realise it - that I'd been stuck, not thinking, just letting things happen, drifting really and letting other people - particularly work - dictate my life. And happiness.
It's NEVER too late to start to choose and create the life you want. Consciously choose.
You can be anything you want.
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It's not exactly 'right' ... but it's not a mistake either
Hahaha!
These photos ... are of my first attempt at mini choc-ices.
And I could say the recipe experiment wasn't a success ... but it was.
You can't be good at anything without trial and error and trying and making 'mistakes' and learning and refining.
The MOST important lesson in the world I think is to just start.
Give it a go. START. Just have a go.
No, you won't be brilliant at anything new straight away but you can't get from A-Z without going through the other letters first.
So, my first go at mini choc ices. I made lime ice cream and melted chilli chocolate. And I knew it wasn't working right and I can see so clearly now - from having had a go - what I'll do differently next time and can see how it'll work.
Like many things - I over-complicated it a bit. No need for the ice cube tray palaver - freezing the ice cream in a thinner layer on a baking tray is going to be a better idea next time.
And I'm very confident in these being good the next time I make them!
And sometimes ... you learn that what you're trying to force into being just doesn't work.
I've now tried four or five times to make a Thai-style version of arrancini ... and I haven't made it work yet.
I've tried red curry ones, fried rice ones, holy basil and chilli ones.
Dipped them in egg, in flour, cooked with egg, covered in breadcrumbs.
I do suspect arrancini work because of risotto rice and mozzarella ... But I might keep trying as I can see them so clearly in my head! Maybe sticky rice is the answer?
Ok, scrap that 'learning some things don't work'.
Never give up ... do the work until it works ...
These are not 'mistakes'; they're just part of the discovery + learning + creating.
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Play, experiment, find your passion (mine's Thai cooking)
Today is all about playing and experimenting ... I just made this ...
It's a Thai red curry with chicken - and peppers ('cos that's what was in the fridge) - with added chilli, garlic and kaffir lime leaves (is there a better smell than crushed kaffir lime leaves?).
The experimentation came in the sauce - this is made with almond milk rather than coconut milk - as I'm playing with ideas and substitutes whilst creating The Tiniest Thai diet.
Firstly, it was delicious! It works! I'll be sharing a recipe soon.
Secondly ... this playing and having fun with my passion for cooking and Thai cooking and creating my diet and eating plan ... well, that's the MOST important thing.
Just a few short years ago, I didn't even know what my passion was, what I loved doing. It seems incredible now, but the days just went by, me getting through them, thinking that's just how it was.
Work, hard work, a bit of TV, a bit of reading, a bit of chatting to friends, some going to the pub or for dinner. But it seems somehow surreal now looking back EVEN THOUGH THAT WAS MY LIFE FOR SO LONG ... what did I talk about? think about?
WHY didn't I have specific goals and passions?
WHY was I drifting through my life - not entirely happy - instead of actively creating it?
I'm glad, beyond glad, that I 'woke up'. And the point at which I woke up was horrible yes. An awful job with the most insane stressful horrible culture.
I'm glad I was there. I'm glad it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm glad I had been in a pretty difficult and dark place anyway and then went that extra step to rock bottom ... because for me, I didn't break down.
I finally stood up.
I came to that point where I finally said NO. This is NOT happening. I WILL NOT let this continue.
And right there and then, without a job to go to, I found my self esteem, self worth, self love - I think for the first time ever with such certainly - and stood up and said NO. I gave in my notice.
I didn't know what I was going to do - only that I was going to find out what I wanted to do.
That was the beginning of consciously creating my life. Finding time, making time, for the things that really matter to me. Making it happen. Prioritising it.
And three years later, it's why I'm here playing with and experimenting with recipes.
Because that's what I want to do and love to do.
(I'm actually pretty excited about how good the almond milk substitute for coconut milk turned out).
If you're drifting through, rather than actively deciding on your life, I can only say ... DON'T.
Find what you love. Experiment until you find it.
I'm as passionate now about sharing how important it is to FIND your passion as I am about kaffir lime leaves ...
So, what's your passion?
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What does your heart actually want to do?
No, really. I'm really asking.
What does your HEART want to do?
What does it want you to do?
Because personally - I didn't know for a long time. More than that, I didn't even think about it, didn't even ask the question, didn't even think it was a relevant question if I HAD asked the question.
I had responsibilities, of course. Mortgage and credit cards to pay. I had a social life. I had holidays. I had things I wanted to do, TV to watch, people to see.
Oh and I had - at the stage I'm about to talk about - a job that wasn't right for me. For me, a bad job. In a good industry thought that I've always worked in and loved - but that finally, finally, got to a point in a job that was just not right for me, where the job was all-consuming.
I had never, really, never really in my whole adult life stopped to ask myself what I actually WANTED to do, what I wanted from my life. Never thought to think that my life was something I could create. I went along with things. I chose from a multiple choice selection as if that were all I was presented with.
So you can do x, y or z.
Do you want to go here, there or this other place? Are you going to buy this, go on holiday there, see those friends, watch what on TV?
And then, are you going to work late again? And slowly, despite being over 40 by now, and also not really in a financial position - so I thought - to have many choices ... I realised a few things.
Finally.
I DID have a choice.
I COULD take control of creating a life I wanted.
I might as well start with asking myself what I wanted from my life.
And then make it happen. And, crucially, make it happen in small steps.
So for me - I gave in my notice at work.
I had suddenly woken up - is how it felt. Things getting so bad that I finally woke up?
Well, I'll be forever happy they got that bad and I didn't continue sort of sleep walking through my life.
I didn't run away and join a circus. Or travel the world. I used to regularly throw my world upside down when I was younger, start again, do reckless things - I see now that it was because I had no idea what I wanted - and I wasn't asking myself the right questions.
I see that constantly coping with crisis was me avoiding the question I never thought to ask myself.
This time, I tried to look after myself - look after and nourish myself. I mean look after this little new bud of a me, of my heart, that was slowing peeking out the earth. I didn't want to scare it or have it trampled or die in the frost - I wanted to nurture it.
I found a job where I didn't feel terror sometimes on having to go in. Or where my blood pressure soared. Or where I would sometimes get home and shake (whilst guzzling wine before even taking my coat off).
(But where I also met so many great friends as we were all in it together - and, it seems to me now that many of us learnt the same hard, but oh so good, lesson from it).
I found a job I liked, with good people, that I could do on normal hours and normal emotions. And I tried not to be too insane at work by creating the same atmosphere myself that I had hated.
And also - in the new space that was created in my head, in my life, from not being all-consumed ... I tried something, something new and brave for me. I tried sharing one of my passions - Thai cooking. I started a blog. And I started learning to be creative again (a long, long time since I'd done that).
Now - two and a half years later from when I started my new life, as me. Starting to become me.
It's like years of living in darkness - that you didn't even know was darkness - lifted. To do something - just because I loved it. No answering to anyone. Sharing what I loved.
It's been exciting and creative and like suddenly the world came into lightness.
And - this is really important - it's not like I was a dark and gloomy person anyway. It was a personal epiphany. Learning that I could create my own life and take control of it - wasn't like an escape from darkness only - as I think I might have made it sound.
It was the most exciting - and at the same time, most comforting, thing ever.
It's hard, it's hard to start being really honest - with yourself firstly. And then it's hard sharing that too, but you have to, to let your heart open and be free.
Passions you might have had since childhood, and passions you didn't even know you had.
Deciding what's important.
Follow your heart sounds too big. For me, I didn't even know what I wanted.
So I say - ask your heart, and then listen to it.
And then start, slowly and gently, to let it speak more.
My passion is Thai cooking and eating a healthy diet based on Thai eating principles - that's my thing.
My OTHER passion now is sharing how I came to finally realise how important having that passion, is - and in making it happen.
It has to start somewhere, just start. Starting is all you need to do.
Have you found your passion? Or have you always had a good balance?
Interested to hear what everyone else thinks.
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Happy 2-year ... ?
I'd been planning this post for a while. For a couple of months in fact.
And this is not at all the post I'd planned to write.
My two-year blogiversary was 6 October and I was really looking forward to sharing my blogging 'journey' over these two years. I'd wanted to look back and celebrate what I've learnt and how far I've come.
I'd been entirely planning to talk about just 'starting' - if you don't just start doing something ... well, how can it ever improve? The whole point is just start and then you learn and develop along the way. You have to start even if you don't know how to do things, or how to make things look the way you want. If you've got something to say, or you want to do, you need to start, or it's just an idea.
I kept meaning to see if I had any screenshots of my incredibly basic (and not beautiful) first blog and had been going to just share some of what my learnings have been over these two years and journey from wordpress blog to WP site to Squarespace and through four different domain names. (Oh the torture of changing nameservers and all that stuff).
And I think I will share that ... another time.
Something was holding me back from actually writing this post and I'd started to think that maybe I just wouldn't write it at all as I wasn't feeling it. After all - you don't have to celebrate blogiversaries.
But I do want to write it; it's just not the post I thought it was. It's not a celebration of having been blogging for two years.
It's something much bigger.
The blogging is a symptom, not a cause. Not sure that's the right metaphor I have to say but the blogging is the outward sign of a much bigger inner shift and just a visible action of a much much bigger internal action.
This is a celebration of two years being conscious about creating my life and choosing to do things that matter to me, and that make me happy.
Like a lot of us, I'd spent until that point never really choosing what made me happy - oh I'd think I was but I was only choosing from what was there and what I could see.
I could choose where to live, who to see, what jobs to get, which parties to attend, where to go on holiday - but I only chose from the choices I could see available, not consciously thinking what I wanted.
I travelled, I had fun, I had a good and interesting career in magazines ... but eventually it felt like it was all consuming me. I was working hard but not feeling I was getting anywhere and I can see now when I look back why that was.
I didn't know where I wanted to get to, for one. And I never really felt in control and more than that I don't think I felt control was an option. It just never occurred to me to take charge of my own life and to think and actually decide what I wanted.
And it took a very very long time and until things got quite dark and difficult before having my own personal epiphany.
Working in a stressful totally all-consuming job that wasn't for me (or my increasingly high blood pressure). Spending and consuming to try and make up for that life and stress (that meant I missed seeing friends and missed out on life as I felt forced to prioritise work) ... being in debt that I wasn't really taking responsibility for.
Well of course I wasn't!
If I wasn't taking responsibility for my own happiness and my own life, I wasn't taking it for anything else. And it sort of got worse and worse. Inside anyway. Outside I still looked fine and normal (if grown a little quieter) - with a mortgage and my job and all the rest of the trappings of normal life.
One day - I just came to the end. Nothing was really worse than anything before, but something small happened that was the straw that broke the camel's back and I just had a feeling of utter tiredness that I just couldn't do this any more.
And suddenly and very clearly, with excitement and honesty and a feeling of joy and strength - my inner voice finally spoke up and said:
''Well, don't do it then"
And so I stopped. I didn't do anything that outwardly looked huge. It was a huge inner shift, a personal thing and outwardly, all that people saw was that I changed jobs.
But for me - I finally took control of my life.
I gave in my notice at the job that wasn't for me, without a job to go to. I had three months' notice to find one. And for the first time ever I asked myself what I wanted from my next job. I didn't jump into a huge change of working for myself, or running away around the world, or a career change. Small steps, but big ones. Staying in the world I knew but consciously choosing something that I would enjoy and that would also give me time in my life to do other things and to work out what things those might be that would make me happy and fulfilled.
I found it. A job with a good publishing agency and - unexpected bonus I hadn't been looking for - walking distance from home. I consciously took a role that was a step 'back' (something I might not have considered before as we're all so conditioned to keep pushing 'up') and yes, I took a bit of a pay cut. These were conscious decisions to change my lifestyle and start creating the life I wanted.
Two months after I started my new job - and my over-worked over-cooked brain started coming to life ... (and I'd got my head round the new job a little) - I opened my laptop one day and signed up for a free blog site. I wrote my first blog post (a recipe for a spicy pork Thai salad) and with a little nervousness and a lot excitement, I posted it on Facebook.
And that was the beginning. One day, I'll be back to talk about my blogging journey from that first post and that first site and what I've learnt.
But for today, I'm celebrating (a month late) my two year anniversary of starting to create my own life and choosing what I want to do with it; choosing what makes me happy.
Happy 2nd happiversary!
PS. Can you relate to any of this and more importantly, what do you consciously choose to do that makes you happy? Did you have a moment that's your own happiversary too? PLEASE SHARE!
